i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
