I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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