i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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