the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize