i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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