Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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