Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
