I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
