Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
