Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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