who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
