I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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