oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize