Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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