everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
