my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
