Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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