I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
