You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
