On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
she told me i tasted like america
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
