I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
