She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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