Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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