textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
