I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
