its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
