Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
