YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
two words...techno handjob
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
