true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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