When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
