got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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