Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
