why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
