great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
