I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
