i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize