I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
