Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
