No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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