the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
