In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
