JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
not ubering you a puppy
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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