i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
