Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
