i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
