I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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