Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
