Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
