Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
