If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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