I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
