just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
