In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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