at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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