and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize