if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
