Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
