if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
