just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
