Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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