I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
