Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
