I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My bed smells like the plague
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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