i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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